It’s been quite a long time since I last posted, but the Lord has been working so much in my life this week that I just had to share! I felt that the title was most appropriate because that’s what I want to share with you: my heart.
For a few months, I’ve been in a season of uncertainty. Uncertainty about my future and what it holds, if the decisions I make are in line with God’s will or mine, and why I have been constantly believing the lies of the enemy. I know that the lies and uncertainty have been seeping in because I have not been spending enough alone time with the Lord and man, is it showing.
Earlier this week, I went to the Lord in prayer and just let it all out. Even though the Lord knows all of my past, present, and future thoughts, I had started to believe that if I didn’t say my struggles out loud, then they weren’t real and I could push them further and further under the rug. It was during this prayer that so many sins were revealed and it hurt so much to see the sins and know that I had been living in them. The first sin that was revealed was my lack of time with the Lord and that was because I valued earthly things more than a sweet, soul-satisfying conversation with my Heavenly Father to learn more about Him and His character. The second sin was all of the struggles I have been dealing with were because I had succumbed to the enemy rather than meditating on the truths from the Father.
I have been believing that I am inadequate for anything I have in my life. I feel inadequate to receive love from the God who sent His Son to die on the cross for my sins. I feel inadequate to have a relationship with anyone. I feel inadequate to have friends who laugh with me, cry with me, and who pray with me. I feel inadequate to one day teach young minds.
I’ve been believing these lies and they have hurt my heart so much. They have made me feel like I am not worthy enough to go back to the Lord for forgiveness. They have strained some relationships and put false ideas on others. They have made me fearful for future events that might not even happen. They have taken over me.
During my time with the Lord I had discovered all of these sins and struggles and hurts. I was hurting and yearning for a time to confess everything, even though I was terrified of what anyone would think. This Wednesday, the Lord answered prayers, quenched my thirst for confession, and spoke directly through our college pastor. He introduced “The Priesthood of All Believers” and said that the foundation of that is recognizing and admitting my brokenness.
WHAT. *ears turned way up and eyes focused* Before receiving the message, I prayed that God would reveal to me tonight what He wants me to learn and to speak to me. HE DID. I have so much fear when I am open and vulnerable with others because I don’t want them to see the brokenness. I don’t want anyone to see that I struggle on a daily basis to disregard the lies that I am not good enough. I want to present myself as someone who has their life together and knows the exact plan for my life. This is what our culture tells us and I believed it. In 1 Timothy, Paul has no shame to admit his brokenness and I admire him so much more after learning that. Why do I have so much shame in revealing my brokenness when I know that everyone is a sinner?
On my way home from church, I listened to “Simple Gospel” by United Pursuit and man did that song summarize everything I had been thinking and experiencing for a long time.
Lord, I’ve been told to be ashamed
Lord, I’ve been told I don’t measure up
Lord, I’ve been told I’m not good enough
But you’re here with me
These lyrics reveal so much about the Lord’s goodness. When I am told these lies, I should remember the truth that earthly things don’t matter and I don’t need the approval of other sinners. I only need the approval of the King of Kings. When I feel the weight of my sins and I feel that I have strayed too far for the Lord to forgive me, I can remember the truth of Psalm 103:
“For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.”
Psalm 103: 11-12
He has cast all my sins far away and He welcomes me with open arms. It’s so crazy how in just a few short days, the Lord heard my cry for confession and answered and provided me with a time, a place, and a reason why I need to admit my brokenness.
I found this (choppy) prayer from October 2016, but it is full of truths from the Lord and I want to share them with you.
I am made in the image of You. You have chosen me. You created me. Anything good about me is all from You. I only need to be recognized by You. In You, I have redemption. I am an heir with Christ. I am a citizen of heaven. I am capable to endure the race you have set before me because I have You. I am loved. I have been given peace. I am not defined by my past, my sins, my mistakes, who I am to the world. You have given me definition. I have been forgiven and I have been given grace.